If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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