omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
