So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
