oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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