I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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