3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
