If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
