Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
