I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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