tell your sister to shave her snatch
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
