the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
