12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
