His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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