trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
