I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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