I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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