hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
