If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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