I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
