he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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