I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
