I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
