she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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