hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
