I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
