Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
