i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
