Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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