After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
