I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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