Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
