I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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