Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
