Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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