guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
