I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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