So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
