Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
