The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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