I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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