Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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