I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
