I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
