Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
