I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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