I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
