I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
