My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
