Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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