Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
